August is now coming down to its last week. The days have been warm and sunny lately but the nights are chilly still. Yesterday, I learned that some people I know on my island are facing a tradgedy of nightmarish perportions. Their son has tumour that is believed to cancerous. Their son is not even two years old. I asked myself when I heard, how? They got their healthy baby but now, they are so close to losing him. My heart breaks for them.
The past several months, I have pulled away from God. I haven't been able to bring myself to pray for the new life in me. I can't get past that I prayed everyday for Shaely, and I still lost her. Why would I pray to a God that doesn't answer such an important prayer? The prayer for a healthy baby. And now, this - another family facing the most gut wrenching news of their lives. My baby died, theirs didn't, but now they are facing that horrible possibilty. I'm finding it hard to put into words what this is doing to me. I guess its something to do with God. I think its maybe because their baby is still alive and I want so much for him to make it. And doctors and medicine can only do so much and then there are miracles. That baby needs a miracle, his parents need a miracle. And I still believe in miracles. I don't understand why they happen to some and not others or at certain times and not others, but what else is their to hold on to? What else can I offer those parents? To refuse to pray for them would almost be like refusing to offer up that hope that their little boy will make it - because I'm too stubborn to put aside my anger with God for taking my baby.
I looked at the picture of Shaely on here today for the first time in months. It always amazes me how beautifully formed she was. It breaks my heart to look at her sweet face and little chest. A few months back, I found out I was pregnant again. It sent me into a bit of a panicked depression. It was at that point that I realized that I had to give this baby a chance - a chance for the same happy dwelling that Shaely had. I had to take Shaely's things, her picture, her blanket, her footprints, and put them in the other room. I had to make a decision to not let myself wallow in the pit. It almost felt wrong, like I was pushing her out of my life. But some time has passed, and I'm beginning to realize more that my little girl is and will always be close to my heart. I have her birthstone hanging around my neck. A friend named Rachel gave it to us and I almost feel like she is with me when I wear it. It brings me more comfort than sadness.
So in conclusion, I still ache inside for my Shaely but I try to give this new baby inside everything that I gave Shaely. See you in January little guy.
