Tomorrow marks one week until my little guy is said to make his entrance into this world. It's a new year with many new challenges and joys to be had.
I sometimes find it rather incredulous how I am about to have my second child in under 12 months. I was pregnant this time last year. In fact, besides the fact that I had about seven weeks between pregnancies, I've been preganant for almost a year and a half. I am very much anticipating having a flat belly again and being able to drink red wine.
Being the new year, I suppose it is in order to evaluate the year past. When I was out walking with two good friends of mine on Pender the other day, I tried to draw a conclusion on how 2011 was for me. My friend Amanda was able to say without restraint that it was the worst year of her life. This is in lieu of her daughter Gabrielle being born with a heart defect and spending the year in and out of hospitals with multiple surgeries and monitoring. My friend remarked to me that it must have been the worst year for me as well. And here's where I struggled to sum it up but I think I can now summize how I feel about 2011.
The worst thing of my life did happen in 2011. Even now, the thought of those first few agonizing days, weeks and months sends my nerves into a state of trembling grief and my throat tightens while I swallow the cry that wants to escape. That being said, I've found myself able to be happy and full of plans for the future again, especially in recent months. I think that the coming of our baby boy has given me something to nurture and look forward to. Instead of living every day only able to think about what my Shaely would be learning how to do now, I find myself also thinking about what this little man will be like. He is such a rambunctious one already. I sense he has a spirit of joy and zest for the life he is about to begin in this world. That day is not too far off, a week tomorrow is the expected due date so hopefully the little man won't keep us waiting too long.
So in short, 2011 saw a piece of me broken and the absolute lowest I have ever been. It also brought me hope of healing and a little boy to love. Because even though I lost my little girl whom I was so excited to love and nurture in her growing-up years, that need to love and nurture didn't leave with her. My heart is still broken for those years I will never have with her.
Little man, you have been a healer to us. You have given us incentive to not let ourselves drown in the ocean of grief that engulfed us when we lost your sister. You have given us much to be excited for and look forward to. We can't wait to give you all our love and devotion. See you very, very soon!
