Without reason?

It's been almost six weeks now. I'm still supposed to be about 38 weeks pregnant - there's a mind screwer. What to say about where I am now? Depends on the day...who I run into, what I read on facebook, where I am... perspective is saving me a lot these days. Perspective that I'm not the first person this has happened to and perspective that I have friends who have experienced worse. This is a part of my story, my life's journey. People before me have overcome their tragedies and heartache. It never fully leaves, but they learn to live again - to hope again and be truly happy again.

But then there are days...

... like today, where perspective dissolves in my angry tears. How is it that people pop out babies who will never grow up with two loving parents and instead might have to learn to love one "dad" after another. How is it that some mothers give birth to living, breathing children despite living decaying lifestyles corroded with bad eating habits and even drug and alcohol use? And how is it that they keep having these babies and we don't get even the chance to hear ours use her lungs?

I know God sees the full picture. I just wish he would give me a glimpse at what the picture is though. Because, although I cling to the belief that my baby didn't make it for a reason and that my husband couldn't be there when it happened, I find myself desperately seeking for answers and something to rest my sorrows in. It'll always hurt - but can it not be for me wondering if this happened for no better reason than to challenge me and test my faith? Must something so painful happen for one to prove their faith? Maybe it's not even about me and Jess though. But if that's the case, who is it about? Is it someone I'll meet five or more years up the road who will suffer the same loss and I'll be there to cry with them? Somehow, that doesn't comfort me right now. I must sound terribly ungrateful for those who have cried with me and suffered a similar loss. But I just feel that while I have felt understood by those who have felt the pain in loosing a child, my pain hasn't been lessened by their tears. Nothing, I think, but time and faith can help one to slowly heal this wound. Is there more to it than this? And if so, what is it? I want so much to have something I can lay reason with. I feel haunted by thoughts of my baby dying because of some negligence either on my part or outside forces. Was I ever in control or has God been overseeing the course of events and weaving a plan in the midst of it?

So many questions...they catch in my throat and take my breath away. I feel like I'll never be able to lay my baby to rest. She's what I think about when I wake up in the morning as I clutch the purple quilt she was wrapped in. Will I ever be able to think about her and feel at peace? I know she is at peace, but I am tormented by what went wrong that my daughter should not be here in my arms with me today.